Today I logged on to https://www.opticalexpress.co.uk/ for work purposes. It had one of those annoying customer service chat windows, with a chap named Graeme asking if he could provide any assistance. An opportunity to annoy a customer service employee became a lovely chat between two people. I'm not sure why I like this so much, but it made me smile, below is the transcript that was emailed to me after our chat. "Visitor" is my alias, up until I got disconnected and added my name!
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Chat transcript
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| Graeme | Thu, 02/05/15 11:48:17 am Europe/Dublin | |
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| Hello
Can I help with any questions or arrange an appointment for you? | |
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| Visitor | 11:49:50 am | |
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| Graeme, your photo looks heavily photoshopped, is it? | |
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| Graeme | 11:50:31 am | |
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| Yes, it's extremely photo-shopped. | |
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| Visitor | 11:50:58 am | |
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| Regardless, you still look lovely. | |
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| Graeme | 11:51:46 am | |
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| Thanks very much.
Is there anything I can help you with today? | |
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| Visitor | 11:52:55 am | |
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| Not really, I am on your website for work purposes. It is a top secret mission. | |
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| Graeme | 11:53:20 am | |
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| Are you James Bond? | |
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| Visitor | 11:53:50 am | |
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| I am not dissimilar to Mr. Bond.
Unfortunately I cannot tell you any more.
Can you get me insider information? | |
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| Graeme | 11:54:54 am | |
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| Good enough for me. I'm afraid not, I'm quite limited on here. | |
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| Visitor | 11:56:03 am | |
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| That is a shame.
I just noticed your central phone number ends in 2020, veritable wit.
Do you like music, Graeme? | |
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| Graeme | 11:57:18 am | |
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| We were trying for a subtle approach. Yes, I like music a lot. Yourself? | |
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| Visitor | 12:01:58 pm | |
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| I love it, Graeme!
Do you play any instruments? I am a bass player, I enjoy it very much. | |
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| Graeme | 12:04:08 pm | |
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| I'm afraid not, I just cut crazy shapes on dancefloors. Impressive. | |
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| Visitor | 12:05:24 pm | |
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| Ah, you are what I aim to be. I am a very clumsy person. I moved house last week and in the same hour I fell down the stairs, dropped a guitar on my head and hit my head off a wall. It was not an unusual day for me. | |
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| Graeme | 12:06:01 pm | |
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| Ouch! Hopefully you, the wall & guitar are all okay. | |
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| Visitor | 12:06:18 pm | |
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| What are your life goals, Graeme? I work in an office (similar to yourself, I imagine). I spend my days verifying silly information. I do not believe this is what evolution intended for us as people. It often makes me sad. | |
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| Graeme | 12:06:55 pm | |
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| That's deep. We've only just met...
I'd love to travel. Just get up one day and go. | |
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| Visitor | 12:10:59 pm | |
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| Me too! I worry about money too often,
Sometimes I would just like to drop everything and disappear into the wilderness, where keyboards, headsets and project managers cannot find me. | |
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| Graeme | 12:12:46 pm | |
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| You're not alone there.
That would be nice, but until that day we'll need to live out our dreams through Live Chat. | |
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| Visitor | 12:13:37 pm | |
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| That is a great shame. Do you play video games, Graeme? I recently purchased Skyrim. | |
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| Graeme | 12:14:56 pm | |
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| Not so much anymore, I'm still partial to the odd game of FIFA with my pals. Is that for Xbox or PS4? | |
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| Visitor | 12:17:27 pm | |
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| It is for PS3. I am 27 now, I haven't had a console since I was 14. Found a good deal on a PS3 recently and went for it. All the same to me, I have a large back catalogue to work through, which is nice. | |
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| Graeme | 12:18:37 pm | |
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| I still have the original grey Xbox 360, so we're both behind in console terms. The joys, eh. | |
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| Visitor | 12:20:16 pm | |
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| It is a beautiful thing! What time do you finish work today? Do you have any nice plans for the evening/morning, depending on what time it is wherever you are. | |
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| Graeme | 12:21:43 pm | |
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| Half past 5. I'll just be seeing my girlfriend tonight. I'm in Glasgow. What about you? | |
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| Visitor | 12:24:45 pm | |
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| I am sorry Graeme, in an attempt to rate you customer service positively, I clicked thumbs up several times, I didn't realise it would cancel and resubmit. I have now left it on "good". That is nice, I finish at half 5 too, I'm in Dublin! Only over the road. How long have you been with your girlfriend? | |
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| Graeme | 12:26:52 pm | |
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| Much appreciated. It will only register once, so if you click again it cancels & then asks you to do it again. Ah, not far at all. We've been going out for almost 6 months now, but started seeing at the beginning of last Summer. | |
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Continued...
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Chat transcript
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Name: (optional) Darragh
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E-mail (optional)
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What can we help you with? (optional) I WANT GRAEME
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| Graeme | Thu, 02/05/15 12:28:06 pm Europe/Dublin | |
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| Hello | |
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| Darragh | 12:28:12 pm | |
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| Graeme!
I got disconnected, I am truly sorry.
Where were we? | |
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| Graeme | 12:29:11 pm | |
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| Nightmare! Not to worry Darragh. We were here...
Visitor I am sorry Graeme, in an attempt to rate you customer service positively, I clicked thumbs up several times, I didn't realise it would cancel and resubmit. I have now left it on "good". That is nice, I finish at half 5 too, I'm in Dublin! Only over the road. How long have you been with your girlfriend? 12:30 pm Graeme Much appreciated. It will only register once, so if you click again it cancels & then asks you to do it again. Ah, not far at all. We've been going out for almost 6 months now, but started seeing at the beginning of last Summer. | |
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| Darragh | 12:29:37 pm | |
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| This is wonderful news.
I closed the window by accident. | |
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| Graeme | 12:30:14 pm | |
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| That's okay, it happens quite often mid-chat. | |
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| Darragh | 12:31:26 pm | |
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| I am relieved. I am happy to hear you and your girlfriend have been together 6 months, I hope she treats you well, sir. My girlfriend and I have been together 18 months, she is a wonderful person.
And she has a killer ass. | |
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| Graeme | 12:32:08 pm | |
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| Thank you, she's great. That's nice to hear, I hope you're both happy. NICE! | |
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| Darragh | 12:32:44 pm | |
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| We are very happy. I am very hungry today. What will you have for lunch, Graeme? | |
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| Graeme | 12:33:31 pm | |
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| I have some noodles with me, nothing exciting. What about you? | |
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| Darragh | 12:35:44 pm | |
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| Well, I will tell you something now. I am a contract employee, hired by an agency to work on site at <INSERT CORPORATE GIANT HERE>. Our lunch is provided for us. Before you allow yourself to succumb to jealousy, I would just like to point out that this job is horribly monotonous. Free food leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, as its sole purpose is to pacify you and keep you comfortable. My dreams exist outside this cage. | |
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| Graeme | 12:37:25 pm | |
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| So, is the lunch menu up to much then Darragh or is it bland? | |
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| Darragh | 12:41:04 pm | |
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| It mainly consists of pre packed sandwiches and a daily "special", which is either some slop in a pie crust, or slop in a wrap, disguised as a burrito. While I am sure I sound quite ungrateful, it is the PURPOSE of the food which annoys me. "Eat 'til you're fat, no bother, just do your fucking work. We're so good to you! Work super hard. Would you like another slice of pie?".
And so on.
Graeme, I believe I have annoyed you enough for one day. Perhaps our paths will cross again. If they do not, I will leave you with this. Follow your dreams and travel! You and I both may well be dead tomorrow, your life is short, enjoy it. Thank you for bringing some banter into my day. Look after yourself. | |
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| Graeme | 12:43:04 pm | |
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| The last hour has flew in, so thank you for the chat and your kind words. Take it easy Darragh, and all the best to you & your good lady. | |
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| Darragh | 12:43:20 pm | |
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| And to yours, my freind! | |
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